Emotional Meltdowns and How to Stop Them

If you have a human child, you have likely experienced emotional meltdowns.

You have also likely experienced the self-righteous stares of bystanders as they wait for you to stop that annoying little meltdown.

to the child having a meltdown in this cafe: I feel you. hang in there.

— dr. savasavasava (@savasavasava) March 4, 2020

But how are you supposed to do that when you’re stuck at Target at 8 pm on a Tuesday night trying to find something to make for dinner, your ex just texted you a picture of Billy’s latest report card, and dear, sweet Billy is laying on the Target linoleum, screaming for that shiny toy in Aisle 9?

How are you supposed to stay calm and help your child when you are the one who needs saving?

Dear parent, I feel your pain.

But fear not, there are things you can do. Read on to discover the 5 key ways to stop emotional meltdowns.

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What are emotional meltdowns?

Like the term suggests, emotional meltdowns are an overflow of unstable, intense emotions that can’t be contained. When your child experiences an emotional meltdown, it means they have exhausted their inner resources and are no longer in control of their emotions or behavior.

This may take the form of whining, screaming, crying, stomping, rolling around on the floor, aggression, isolation, and other fun behaviors.

What causes emotional meltdowns?

Emotional meltdowns happen when things are out of balance – lack of sleep, lack of food, lack of comfort, etc. Tension, conflict, and stress can also contribute to meltdowns.

Other contributing factors include:

• Unmet Needs (sleep, hunger, comfort)
• High Expectations (asking more of your child than is developmentally possible)
• Rewarding past meltdowns (giving in, screen time to distract, food)
• Punishing past meltdowns (time-outs, spanking, yelling)
• Learned Behavior (parent meltdowns, anger, irritable parent)
• Life transitions (new baby, new house, new school)
• Couple issues (divorce, constant conflict, domestic violence)
• Mental health issues (ADHD, anxiety/mood disorders, trauma)
• Sensory/processing issues (autism, learning disability, brain damage)
• Attachment Issues
• Grief and Loss

How am I supposed to stop emotional meltdowns?

Unfortunately, there is no simple solution.

BUT – it is possible to stop them, or at least reduce their number.

AND – the good news is that with the help of this straightforward guide, you’ll be on your way to a meltdown-free existence in no time!

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How to Stop Emotional Meltdowns

Parenting is hard at the best of times. That’s why teaching your child how to manage big emotions is so crucial. It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible, either. And if you employ even a few of the strategies below, you’ll not only help your little one have less meltdowns, but your whole family will benefit!

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1. Get Centered and Stay Calm

According to a 2010 survey by the American Psychological Association on stress, 69 percent of respondents recognized that their personal stress affected their children. Additionally, “25 percent to 47 percent of tweens reported feeling sad, worried or frustrated about their parents’ stress”.

Before you can teach your child to manage emotions, you need to be centered. Emotion regulation is a crucial skill set for children, but it is an absolute must for parents and caregivers, and it’s never too late to learn!

One of the building blocks of emotion regulation is to help yourself operate at a calm, content baseline. So what do you do if remaining calm feels like a pipe dream when the stresses of the day never stop piling up?

Routine self-care.

Routine Self-care Helps Avoid Parent Meltdowns

Self-care means just that – taking take care of your self. Every day – and I mean every. single. day.

I’m not talking about basic things like taking a shower, eating, or sleeping. [Although those activities are crucial to self-care, and if you can’t fit them in, then you probably have more on your plate than the average bear and need additional support.] I’m talking about embedding your day with activities that fill your “internal well” – activities that are tailored and specific to you.

Fill Your Internal Well

Without proper self-care, your internal well will run dry. If you don’t keep it filled, you will have nothing to offer your children when they need you most. When this happens, you may act in ways you later regret.

Negative emotions will be granted full reign, resulting in a meltdown of your own.

But there’s no time, you say. The kids need me, you scream. If I focus on myself, nothing will get done, you cry!

(See, I knew the stress was getting to you!)

Maybe it feels selfish to focus on your own needs when you believe your number one job is to take care of your children. But in reality, regular self-care is the most selfless thing you can do for your family.

Still not convinced? Consider this classic metaphor:

The Oxygen Mask

When preparing for take-off, airline flight attendants review how to use the oxygen masks as part of their safety demo. They stress that parents should secure their own masks before helping children with their masks. Why? Because if you pass out while trying to help your child, then you are both in danger.

I’ve used this metaphor with countless parents who tell me they get it, but when hard-pressed, admit that they would struggle to follow the flight attendant’s directions. Parents instinctively put their children first, even if it means risking their own lives.

That’s why it’s so important to make self-care automatic. Employing a solid self-care routine will help you stay emotionally-centered and better able to support your children when they are stressed.

For more on parental self-care, check out 7 Self-care Strategies for Busy Parents or watch the video below.

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2. Identify the Reason for the Emotional Meltdown

In my work with families, the number one service request is for help with emotional meltdowns. In order to support parents in successfully addressing the problem, we first validate the parent’s struggle and then help reframe the negative behavior.

Daily emotional meltdowns take a toll on parents and caregivers. When your child is screaming in your face and everything you try makes it worse, it’s hard not to take it personally. But before you lose your cool, take a step back and examine your frame. Remind yourself that behind the spitting, growling, little monster is a vulnerable creature (whom you love dearly) just trying to get a need met.

Kids act out because they are trying to express something, and every behavior serves a function. Emotional meltdowns are no different. They are just an extreme form of communication, one that you’re desperate to avoid of course, but communication nonetheless.

Mistaken Beliefs

So what might your little one be communicating, you ask? Well, that depends. If you ask Dr. Jane Nelsen, author of the Positive Discipline series, she would tell you that behind every behavior is a mistaken belief.

Imagine your son smacks the dog while you’re in the other room. You come in to correct him and he laughs joyously at your reprimand, hitting the dog again. He might believe that he only belongs when receiving constant attention, seeking out negative attention rather than none at all.

Over time, children develop these mistaken beliefs based on how parents react to their behavior. Recognizing the coded message in the behavior will help you empathize, establish a new belief, and implement a solution. Check out the Positive Discipline Mistaken Goal Chart for more information.

Mission Versus Method

When you recognize the need your child is trying to get met, it’s easy to see that their mission is honorable. And more often than not, it’s just their method that sucks.

The Cake Example

Imagine you arrive home after a long day. A huge mess greets you in the kitchen. Your 7 year-old daughter is at the counter, covered head to toe in cake flour. Every pot and pan you own is dirty, and the floor is slick with an unidentifiable goo.

Aggravated, you tell her to clean up. She says “you haven’t even tried it yet, even” and starts to whine about how mean you are. You yell at her to “clean it up, right NOW!” She starts to cry, stomping her feet to the beat of her indistinguishable protests.

Meanwhile, your partner watches from the couch, unperturbed. “Relax,” your partner soothes. “What’s the big deal?”

Then, as if on cue, your child storms in, throws the “cake” onto the floor and runs upstairs.

You head straight into the slimy kitchen, pour a glass of wine, and wonder how you ended up with such a brat.

What could have salvaged this whole sticky mess?

Recognition of your daughter’s GOOD MISSION.

Sure, she has no clue how to bake, definitely did not ask permission, and probably ruined your best cake pan. But despite her undesirable methods, your daughter’s mission was good.

She wanted to show her love.

The charts below break down the Mission Versus Method illustrated in this example.

Mission: Showing Love / Method: Breaking Rules

Mission: Seeking Comfort / Method: Meltdown

The charts above expound on the child’s thought process, but it’s important to note that children are rarely aware of such thoughts. When they are acting out, they are in the thick of intense emotions. Their “thinking” brain is basically on lock-down. The breakdown above is merely for the purpose of helping parents identify what unconscious thoughts and feelings may be driving the behavior.

When you are able to see your child’s good mission, you will find it easier to respond with kindness and understanding, thus protecting your bond and stopping the meltdown before it starts.

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3. Validate Your Child’s Emotional Experience

Has this ever happened to you?

Your child asks for more Halloween candy. It’s 10 am and you already let her have five pieces during breakfast. You tell her ‘no’ and she launches her protest. A little whining, followed by some yelling, that eventually, if you’ve remained strong and held your position, morphs into a full-blown screaming-crying-stomping-writhing on the ground, meltdown.

It’s been a long morning. You’ve endured two meltdowns already and the thought of another is soul-crushing. You know it’ll make things worse in the long run, but you’re desperate for a moment’s peace.

You shove a Butterfinger in mouth and the meltdown subsides immediately.

Don’t Avoid and Don’t Give In

I know emotional meltdowns are painful and you want them to go away. I totally get it.

But if you treat them like nasty monsters who need shoved under the bed ASAP, you will likely resort to desperate tactics.

Reactive strategies may work in the moment, but they won’t make the behavior go away. In fact, many short-term solutions guarantee the problems will stick around in the long-term.

You might think ‘I just need a moment’s peace’ or ‘I can’t take another night of screaming’ or ‘nothing else works’. Believe me, I’ve been there. But the thing is, if you shut down your child’s chance to experience emotion, you will miss an opportunity tot teach them how to get through it.

You can’t protect your child from their feelings. They are normal and natural.

The idea is not to squash their feelings or remedy their every moment of unhappiness. You can’t protect your child from bad feelings. They are normal and natural.

Be OK with Your Child’s Upset

No parent enjoys the sound of a crying baby.

In fact, when a parent hears their baby cry, they are hard-wired to respond, figure out what’s wrong, and make the crying stop.

But after the newborn phase, this simple routine becomes more complex. Your child wants to explore their world. They develop interests and desires and they wonder what that fuzzy thing in the corner tastes like.

All of this development means that it’s time to set limits, and more often than not, your child won’t be excited about those limits. So when you tell your child ‘no’, they will probably get upset.

Although this may be difficult to cope with, remember: this is the expected response.

Ask yourself this – am I setting this limit because I am meeting a need?

If the answer is yes (i.e. safety, nap time, healthy diet), then you can take comfort in knowing that their tears are merely the result of not getting what they want. They are not crying because they are suffering.

Beware of the Quick Fix

Some solutions, like screen time, distract from the emotion too soon, sending the message that yucky feelings are something to numb or avoid. Try to use TV and screen minimally when attempting to avoid meltdowns. This short-term solution may work well in the moment, but over time, your child will grow to depend on distraction to get through uncomfortable feelings.

Other solutions, like giving in to your child’s demands (even if it is just this once), will teach them that if they make a fuss, they get what they want. If they scream and cry loud enough and long enough, you will give in to their demands.

On the other hand, if you stay calm and accept their feelings for what they are, your children will not only learn that meltdowns won’t get them what they want, but that you expect them to get through this on their own, with your support.

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Kill Meltdowns with Kindness

There is no doubt that you would likely do anything to stop emotional meltdowns in their tracks. But what if you viewed emotional meltdowns as opportunities instead of disasters?

Rather than trying to prevent, discipline, or give in to big emotions, simply allow space for them.

Give your child a chance to learn how to ride the wave.

You can’t protect them from every bad thing, every day, for the rest of their lives. It’s not your job to make the bad feelings go away.

It is your job, however, to show them how to cope when the bad feelings make an appearance.

Be present, empathetic, or silent. Be whatever you need to be to show your child that you trust her ability to get through it and that you are there to support her if she needs it.

Then, when the tidal wave subsides, take time to teach. Normalize your child’s feelings. Share your own experiences. Explain that everyone experiences mood changes and these changes serve a purpose. Let them know that emotions help us understand our world.

As parenting expert Janet Lansbury says in her book No Bad Kids, “There is no greater gift to our children and ourselves than our complete acceptance of their negative feelings.”

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4. Model How to Manage those Emotional Meltdowns

The best way to teach your child how to stop emotional meltdowns and self-regulate is to become an expert yourself. Knowledge is power when it comes to staying centered and modeling emotional management.

Become an Emotional Guru

There are three simple steps to becoming an emotional guru:

1. Educate yourself. Not only should you explore the vasts resources available on emotional intelligence, emotion regulation, and emotions themselves (like Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, Ph.D.), but you should also explore your own inner workings. This can be done on your own, in therapy, or both. When and how do certain emotions show themselves? How does it feel in your body? What does it look like to others? What are your triggers? The more you learn about your own emotional experiences, the easier it will be to talk about with your kids.
2. Share what you learn. Talk with your kids regularly about emotions – their definition, function, appearance. Be vulnerable and communicate directly and openly. Share your own experiences with big emotions. When you yourself lose control, explain yourself after things calm down. Talk about the ways you have learned to manage emotions. Your kids will love to hear about the times when you maybe didn’t handle yourself that well and how you learned to do better. And remember, it’s OK to let them see you struggle sometimes.
3. Model emotion regulation. Be sure to employ the same techniques you are teaching your kids. After all, if you expect them to ‘behave’ and self-regulate, the best way to teach them how is to show them. Kids come equipped with special cells called mirror neurons that fire when they see someone doing something. This mirror-neuron network makes learning possible. Therefore, if your child observes you taking a calm-down timeout, or doing some deep-breathing when upset, they will be much more likely to learn the same skills.

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Practice Emotion Regulation as a Family

Use the resources below to boost your emotional intelligence and help your kids with emotion regulation.

Dr. Dan’s Brain Model

This “handy” visual aid from Dr. Dan Siegel illustrates what happens in the brain when kids experience emotions. Dr. Dan’s Model uses the thumb and four fingers to represent different parts of the brain. Dr. Siegel explains how the brain behaves during a heightened state of emotion, and how we “flip our lids” when we are upset. Dr. Dan’s video helps kids (and adults) better regulate their emotions. Want more parenting advice from Dr. Dan? Check out No Drama Discipline – a whole-brain approach to parenting.

My Moods, My Choices Flipbooks

These visual emotion regulation tools feature eye-catching graphics that depict a spectrum of emotions. Each page includes suggested activities to help children manage their feelings. Visit the My Moods, My Choices Amazon Store for more emotion regulation tools, including posters, bracelets, and magnets!

Zones of Regulation

Originally designed for kids on the autism spectrum, the Zones of Regulation framework is an excellent emotion regulation tool that uses a color system similar to that of a traffic signal (i.e. red, yellow, green, and blue). According to creator Leah Kuypers, MA.Ed, OTR/L, the Zones of Regulation framework categorizes “all the complex feelings students experience eases their ability to recognize and communicate how they are feeling, as well as tap into strategies to aid them in self-regulation”. Visit her website for more information as well as several free downloads.

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5. Don’t Use Punishment to Stop Emotional Meltdowns

When you are the target of your child’s unruly emotions, it makes sense that you would want to provide a consequence for his disrespectful behavior. After all, how else will he learn that his behavior is unacceptable?

Use Discipline to Teach, Not Punish

According to the Psychology Today article “Punishment Doesn’t Work” (2014), “punishment does not change the tendency to engage in the behavior that was punished.”

While it is true that you should teach your child a lesson, it’s important to be mindful of just what that lesson is. While it might relieve your frustration to yell at your child, you are modeling the very behavior you are trying to correct.

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Punishment sends the wrong message.

Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids author Dr. Laura Markham proposes that punishment teaches kids the following:

• The only way to get control is through force.
• The only way I will behave is if someone makes me.
• I behave badly and so I am bad.
• You are doing this on purpose and it’s not fair, so I will never do what you want.
• I can’t do anything right so I will make sure I don’t get caught.
• You are hurting me and I don’t think you love me.
• You hurt me so I’ll hurt you.
• You’re mean to me and I can’t trust you, so I will keep my distance.

Most parents who use punishment do not intend to teach their children the above lessons. They often rely on punishment because they want compliance and they know no other way of getting it.

Unfortunately, when you punish your child for a meltdown, you send the message that feelings like anger, sadness, or frustration are not allowed or acceptable. This sets them up for failure and teaches them to hide their feelings from you.

Punishment achieves short-term results, NOT self-regulation.

Punishment is effective, at least in the short-term, because it inflicts pain, shame, and embarrassment – all feelings kids want to avoid. But when children are systematically punished for negative behavior, they only comply out of fear. Some children grow to view themselves as bad, and then act accordingly, while others grow desperate to please and bend over backwards to hide their ‘bad behavior’ to keep adults happy.

Furthermore, as Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson explain in their book No Drama Discipline, punishment teaches kids that “power and control are the best ways to get others to do what we want them to do.”

Luckily, there are more effective options that prevent emotional meltdowns, foster self-regulation, and help the parent-child relationship flourish.

Assess Your Parenting Style

Have you ever stopped to think about what your parenting style is? If not, now might be a good time. Some parenting styles lean on punishment to reduce meltdowns, while others offer little guidance and even ignore the meltdowns in hopes they will go away. But most parenting experts recommend a balance of both. Parents who provide clear expectations, consistent responses, and unconditional love provide a steady structure where kids can learn and thrive.

Check out 5 Powerful Reasons to Use Balanced Parenting to learn more.

Try Connection Before Correction

Dr. Jane Nelsen, psychologist and author of the very successful Positive Discipline books, encourages parents to connect with their children before and during behavior correction. When kids feel connected, they feel safe. Learning happens best in a safe and secure environment, and as Dr. Nelsen often says, kids do better when they feel better.

Building a solid, unconditional bond with your kids will make respectful correction easier. Using limit-setting responses like “I love you and the answer is no”, is just one way you can implement connection before correction.

Dr. Laura Markham, creator of AhaParenting.com, is another proponent of connection parenting. She recommends that parents always strive to connect with their kids while teaching them how to behave. In her article, “10 Ways to Guide Children Without Discipline“, she describes how to connect while correcting behavior. Making eye contact, offering a hug, and getting on your child’s level are all ways to connect while addressing behaviors.

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Skip the Time-out

Time-outs, while effective in the short-term, are actually more punitive than supportive. In theory, sending a kid to their time-out spot when they misbehave may seem like an effective strategy. You interrupt your child’s negative behavior and they receive an immediate consequence aimed at correcting the behavior.

In practice, however, time-outs often do more harm than good. Kids are sent away to deal with their big emotions alone, when they actually need you most. Additionally, time spent in time-out does nothing to teach your child how you would like them to behave. And what’s more, it’s pretty unlikely your child is sitting there thinking about what they did.

You may be thinking, WAIT A MINUTE – time-outs work for me – what am I supposed to do instead??

I completely understand how you feel, but don’t worry!

There are lots of things you can do instead. Below are a couple variations on the classic time-out that teach self-regulation.

Positive Time-Out

According to some recent research, time-outs are no longer the ‘in’ thing. Though less punitive than spanking, the classic time-out is a punishment and one that leads kids to believe they are bad. The Positive Time-Out, on the other hand, teaches children the importance of cooling off before trying to resolve conflicts. This time-out, coined by Dr. Jane Nelsen, allows kids to retreat to a predetermined, special place where they can take some time to calm-down. Parents and kids should design the Positive Time-Out area ahead of time and should include loads of positive coping activities to help kids calm down. Additionally, parents may offer to join them in their Positive Time-Out space for added support.

Time-In

Time-outs leave kids to face big emotions on their own. This dynamic often triggers fears of abandonment, feelings of shame, and power struggles – things you want to avoid when teaching your child how to behave. But with the Time-In, developed by Dr. Laura Markham, acting out is seen as a cry for help, and an opportunity for parents to provide support. Through what Dr. Markham calls loving guidance, parents use connection and closeness to help their little ones navigate the outburst. For more on this parenting style, check out Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, by Dr. Markham.

Time-In ToolKit

I think Time-Ins are an amazing way to support your child while increasing their emotional intelligence. To make Time-Ins even more effective (and fun), I highly recommend the Time-In ToolKit from Generation Mindful. You can teach your child about their emotions while helping them learn to self-regulate. Plus, the play-based emotional intelligence activities make it so much fun, your child will want to use it all the time.

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For more on managing your child’s behavior, check out our resources page or click here for more parenting tips.

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