When it comes to raising kids, most of us go on instinct.
We stick with what we know. And for many of us, what we know is what our parents did. But no matter how amazing our parents were, the experience of being a child in no way prepares us for raising one.
When I brought my daughter home from the hospital, I was disappointed to learn that the nurses did not include a standard issue parenting manual in my baby care package.
The truth is, until you become a parent yourself, you don’t know what you don’t know.
If you think parenting is hard and exhausting and complicated. Well, that just means you’re probably doing it right. Congrats!
— Kristina Kuzmic (@KristinaKuzmic) February 21, 2019
Lucky for me, all those years of working with parents and kids had chiseled me into the perfect parent. Not even close. But I did discover a few things along the way.
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What is Balanced Parenting?
One of the most crucial lessons I learned during my work with families was that limit-setting and bonding work best when they are enacted together.
Balanced parenting is an equal blend of control and order alongside warmth and nurturing.
One of the most crucial lessons I learned during my work with families was that limit-setting and bonding work best when they are enacted together.
In order to best understand the balanced parenting style, it might be helpful to provide some context and compare the four major parenting styles.
What is Your Parenting Style?
Did you ever stop and think about your parenting style?
Are you laid back and permissive? Do you run a tight ship? How well do you enforce the rules? Do you believe kids should be seen and not heard?
Your parenting style says a lot about you. Each parenting style has some merit. But you might be surprised to learn some parenting styles have significant downsides.
4 Common Parenting Styles
Most sources agree there are four main parenting styles. The US Department of Health and Human Services Office of Adolescent Health describes the four parenting styles and their impact on relationships as the following:
- Authoritarian: The authoritarian parent is rigid and strict. Structure and order are of paramount importance in an authoritarian household. Although kids of authoritarian parents do learn the importance of compliance, they often suffer from low self-esteem.
- Permissive: Permissive, or laissez faire, parents are often quite loving toward their children. Their loose rules and friend-like parenting might seem like fun, but kids who grow up in a permissive household often struggle academically and have poor emotion regulation.
- Disengaged: Disengaged, or uninvolved parents show little interest in their kids. Parents who struggle with mental health issues or addiction may inadvertently disengage from their kids. They express little warmth and impose little structure. Kids enjoy lots of freedom, but at the cost of feeling safe and secure. Disengaged parenting puts kids at greater risk for behavioral issues and mental health challenges.
- Balanced: Also known as authoritative, this parenting style provides kids with the best of both worlds. Parents set high expectations and clear limits, but also express unconditional love to their children. Communication between parents and kids feels open safe. As a result of consistently-enforced rules and strong bonds, kids tend to grow into resilient, responsible and caring adults.
The only “Free Range” in my parenting world is the laundry.
— The Mom Behind The Mask (@MomMask) March 5, 2019
It has free range of the house, it doesn’t get separated in the wash and I wholeheartedly hope it grows independently and learns to put itself away. #freerangelaundry #momlife #parenthood
Why Balanced Parenting?
There are pros and cons to most parenting styles. If parents are too strict, relationships can suffer; too permissive and boundaries can blur. Balanced parenting affords parents the best of both worlds. Rules are clear and consistently enforced so kids know what to expect. Structure and order are important to balanced parents, but equal value is placed on bonds and relationships, too.
Additionally, research has shown that balanced/authoritative parenting promotes better behavior and well-being. A study published in Pediatric Dentistry (2015) on the correlation between parenting style and child behavior noted that children who live in authoritative households tend to have happier dispositions, better social skills, and more emotion regulation and control.
5 Powerful Reasons to Use Balanced Parenting
Balanced parenting works well because:
- Kids Feel Loved: Every balanced parenting intervention couples limit-setting with expressions of unconditional love. Even when its time to give out consequences, a message of loving care gets through.
- Rules are Clear and Easy to Understand: With balanced parenting, rules are chosen because they make sense, not because a parent is annoyed, overwhelmed, or desperate. When a parent can easily explain why a certain rule is in place, it increases the likelihood that the children will comply.
- Stronger Bonds Lead to Greater Compliance: Kids are natural-born pleasers. They want to learn and grow and make their parents proud. The safer, more connected kids feel in relation to their parents, the more their natural drive to do well will develop. If you have a solid bond with your child, they will be much more likely to follow your rules and respect the limits that you set. When attachment is disrupted or relationships get strained, children feel less inclined to comply when they feel little to no connection.
- Open Communication Fosters Safety in Relationships: According to the American Psychological Association (APA), good communication is the key to a connected relationship between parent and child. OK, that might seem obvious, but for some parents, honest conversation is not their strong suit. And let’s face it, we could all benefit from a little practice with clear communication. These communication pointers from the APA provide a helpful guide for what to keep in mind when talking to your children.
- Clear Expectations Teach Responsibility and Independence: Maintaining the clear expectations and consistency of balanced parenting is no easy task, but the hard work pays dividends. Your children will learn to rise to the occasion and meet your expectations. They will discover the joys of achieving success both at home and at school and their self-esteem will flourish. They will understand the value of discipline, responsibility, and hard work and they will learn how to take care of themselves.
Using Balanced Parenting
Parents who use balanced parenting know that it requires hard work. You need to remain calm, clear and consistent – but they also know that the benefits far outweigh the costs. They will raise children who are strong, loving and self-sufficient.
The sooner you start using balanced parenting, the sooner you’ll nurture a strong family foundation. Your children will know they are loved. They will grow up with an understanding of how to love others as well.
50 Easy Ways to Be a Fantastic Parent from www.parents.com encourages parents to always say ‘I love you’, set smart limits, and spend quality time together as a family. These are just some of the tenants of balanced parenting.
My number one go-to parenting book to ensure I use balanced parenting at home and with the families I work with is Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. I highly recommend it! The perfect blend of kind and firm parenting. You can get a copy here on Amazon.
With your guidance and love, your kids will enjoy a secure base from which to explore their world. And thanks to you, they will believe in themselves.
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